


through his choices, are my tears.

by missinglockets



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Jealous Harry, M/M, zouis friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:28:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29492073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missinglockets/pseuds/missinglockets
Summary: “you’re my best mate, zayn,” louis says angrily.zayn smiles, broken and sad. the smile of a fading pop star, “i know. you’re mine, louis,”or, where zayn asks louis to choose and louis doesn't choose him.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	through his choices, are my tears.

**Author's Note:**

> this is purely based on my imagination. i've been going Through It missing zouis and how precious their friendship was during the early days up til zayn left gahhh so this is basically just Free Therapy for me hahah 
> 
> side note: rest in peace to jay. i tried my best to not mention her as i have no intention of disrespecting her in a piece of fiction like this.

it’s one of those nights; dizzying, and sad, and freeing. zayn’s next to him, probably just as high, just as numb, just as boundless as louis feels right now. beyond this hotel room, everything’s too much these days. louis can’t handle it; the pressure, the lights, the misery of his reality. zayn’s giggling now and louis giggles too because zayn just has one of those contagious giggles.

suddenly zayn stops, smiling at him, eyes dopey and happy before he says, “i love you, lou,”

louis grins back, “love you too, zayner,”

and then zayn leans down and kisses him. his lips are chapped but soft and louis takes a few seconds to process it before he realizes what’s going on. he pulls away, shoving zayn back by his shoulder.

“zayn,” he says, frowning.

zayn doesn’t seem deterred, loopy and high as he surges forward again, more determined as he cups louis’ neck and tries to kiss him again. he manages to kiss the side of louis’ lips before louis pushes him away again.

“seriously, zayn,” louis says, suddenly angry, “cut it out. it’s not funny,”

zayn looks at him, his eyes glazed but there’s a steeliness to it now, “why not, lou?”

louis glares at him, “you know why,”

zayn gazes at him before he says it, voice cold, “it’s over between you two,” he says, “it doesn’t matter anymore,”

“it’s not over,” louis grits out, “you’re such a dick,” he rakes a hand through his hair. the heaviness in his chest returns, the high fading out as quickly as it came.

zayn doesn’t stop, “it is. where is he right now, louis?” he challenges.

louis flips him off, refusing to answer.

zayn goes on, “he’s not with you, is he? he’s never with you anymore,” he grits out, “i am. jesus, lou. i am,” he says, his voice resigned and he tugs at louis’ arm to bring louis closer but louis resists, “i’ve been with you through so much of you guys’ shit. i’ve been here for you more than he has the past year, lou. you barely see him anymore,”

it's true. louis has spent more nights at zayn’s house getting sloshed and playing video games more than he has with harry these days. zayn weathers him through bad nights and louis holds his hand before they go on stage. but it doesn’t mean him and harry are over.

“you’re my best mate, zayn,” louis says angrily.

zayn smiles, broken and sad. the smile of a fading pop star, “i know. you’re mine, louis,”

“then stop doing this,” louis says, squeezing zayn’s hand that’s still gripping at his arm.

zayn shakes his head, the movement slow, resigned, “i don’t want to anymore,” he says quietly, “i can’t keep doing all this, louis. i can’t,”

“we’re about to go on break. it’s going to be fine, zee,” louis assures, prying zayn’s hand off his arm and settling it into louis’ lap.

zayn huffs mockingly, “then it’s going to start all over again. another album. another tour. jesus,” he closes his eyes, “i don’t want any of it anymore,”

louis plays with zayn’s fingers, “i know,” he admits quietly, “i can tell,”

zayn opens his eyes, scrutinizing louis before he says, “we can leave, lou,” he says quietly but from the way he’s saying it, so convinced and determined, suggests that zayn’s been thinking about this for a while now.

louis gazes at him, at his blown pupils and sad mouth, and looks away, “i can’t leave, zee. what about,” louis takes a deep breath, “i can’t do that to them. to him,”

zayn snatches his hand away from louis, “aren’t you tired?” he insists angrily, “you’re playing the same game. you keep going back to each other even though it’s painful. even though you’re miserable more times than you are happy. you can’t seriously want more years of this,”

louis looks up, his chest heaving, “i know it’s never made sense to you, zayn. but when you feel the way i do about harry, then you’ll get it. it hurts, it’s unbearable sometimes to love someone who you can’t quite love. but he makes the pain go away. he’s part of the source but he’s also the best relief. i love him,” louis says firmly because fuck it if that’s the one thing he’s always been certain about. the past years have broken him down into fragments of the person he started as but louis has always held steadfast in at least this; in his ability to love and fight and endure for the people he loves.

zayn goes quiet, ducking his head down. then he scoots closer to louis and slowly reaches up to cup louis’ jaw. louis looks over to him and sees zayn’s eyes flicker down to his lips.

“zayn,” he warns before zayn leans forward again and kisses him. this time louis cries, upset that this isn’t the man he should be kissing but who he’s letting kiss him anyway. he kisses zayn back, their lips against each other in a slow, blue dance. he’s still high, head a little muddled, louis excuses himself as he lets this happen. zayn flicks his tongue against louis’ mouth and that’s when louis pulls away but their faces are still close, their foreheads leaning against one another.

“you can love me, lou,” zayn says quietly against his lips, “we can leave and you can have me. i’m not much, babe but you’ll always have me,”

louis feels his tears fall and zayn wipes them away, “i love you, lou,” zayn says gently, “you love me. it’s going to be okay,”

louis laughs wetly, “it’s not, zee. you know i don’t love you like that. not the way i love harry. it’s always been different,”

zayn chuckles sadly, “i know. nobody’s ever going to compete with this great, big love of yours,” he says, almost mockingly, almost meanly but mostly it’s just sad, “but we can still leave. let’s just fuck off for a few years. let ni and liam and harry tour. we’ll get shitfaced in amsterdam or something for a year and then go somewhere else. get lost for a bit,”

“i can’t just leave him, zee. and it’s not just him i’m leaving. it’s my career. i’m tired of things but i love it too,” louis admits quietly, “i can’t just abandon all that, zee,”

zayn goes quiet before he pulls away, leaning back against the couch. louis watches him, watches a sort of realization wash over him, “so you choose all of that over me? over getting our lives and heads back?” zayn finally asks, his eyes burning into louis’ face.

“don’t do that,” louis chides softly, “don’t make me choose,”

“i am,” zayn insists, “i want to know. is all of that worth it? is it worth it to sit in this shitty hotel room getting high with me to forget that your boyfriend’s with somebody else tonight, just to have a few weeks being back together with him after this?”

louis looks away, “fuck off. it’s always been hard. why are you being difficult about this all of a sudden?” he snaps.

“because now we have a choice, lou,” zayn says heatedly, “we were kids before. we didn’t know what we were getting into but we’ve been through it all, lou. we know what matters now. _i_ know what matters now. we can choose to leave. start over,”

“i don’t want to start over,” louis insists.

“then you’re a coward,” zayn snaps.

louis glares at him, “what the fuck? i’m a coward for choosing to grit through rough shit?”

“you’re a coward because there’s a way out and you don’t want to take it because this is all you’ve ever known. _he_ is all you’ve ever known,”

louis sighs, “it’s not that simple,”

“it is,” zayn presses, “i love you,” he says again.

louis looks up at him, weary and drowsy, “not like him, zee,”

“fuck you,” zayn says, “ _i_ love you,” he says adamantly. it sounds pent-up, repressed this time, it sounds like a confession pressed down so much it’s overwhelming now that it’s being let out, “ _i_ care for you more than anyone else does. i’m there for you every time. we’ve thought about so many future plans together, lou. we can do all that. we can design video games or study drama. whatever. i don’t care. but we can do it. you and me,”

it's suddenly hitting louis now; how serious zayn is about all this, how desperate he is to get louis to agree with him, to choose him. louis stares at zayn, at the handsome, kind face of his best friend and considers it. maybe he could do it but the more he entertains the thought of leaving everything behind, the more his stomach shrinks, his chest heave. he doesn’t want to, louis realizes, he’s not ready to.

“i want to be with harry, zayn,” louis says, voice wobbly, “i love you, i do but i’m sorry,” he looks down, “i choose him. i choose the band, zee,”

it’s quiet for a while. louis knows zayn is crying, can hear sniffles and him wiping his tears away but louis doesn’t look up. it pains him; to keep quiet as zayn hurts like this but louis thinks it’s necessary. zayn needs to understand. that even though zayn loves him like this, louis can’t love him back the same way. he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to love anyone else as much as he loves the curly-haired boy he’s loved since he was eighteen. zayn has sung the songs louis has written about the very same man; he knows the depth and complications of what the both of them has survived more than anyone else. so zayn must know; louis doesn’t and will never be able to love him the same way.

“okay. fine,” zayn says finally, his voice resolute. louis hears him stand up but he can’t find it in him to look back up, “night, lou,” he says before slamming the door shut.

\--

zayn refuses any sort of contact with louis over the break. louis tries to get through his sister, his mum, his friends but none of them can patch him through. louis tells harry when he finally comes back.

“zayn kissed me,”

harry frowns, upset, “why?” he demands.

“i don’t know,” louis answers, avoiding his eyes. but it’s futile. harry figures it out. he’s always clever about these things.

“you know,” harry says quietly, then he adds, “i’ve always known,”

louis shakes his head, “you can’t have. it’s a new thing,”

harry looks at him a bit pained, “i’ve known your best friend’s been in love with you for a long time now, lou,”

louis resists the urge to cry because he didn’t know until very recently. only a few weeks prior to the day zayn finally kissed him. and even then, he didn’t think it was to this extent. he didn’t think it was worth losing each other like this.

“did you kiss him back?” harry asks.

louis nods, because he’s honest and harry deserves to know, “i did,” he confesses, “i was high. ‘s not an excuse but, yeah,”

harry nods but louis can tell he’s upset, he’s jealous. while he was miserable in another city with terrible company, his boyfriend was sat kissing his best friend. louis understands the resentment.

“how long?” harry asks because he’s always liked to torture himself over stuff like this.

_how many times did she kiss you, lou?_

_did you dance with her?_

_why did she stay over at yours?_

_did she give you anything for valentine’s?_

louis shrugs, “not long. i’m sorry,” he says again because he is. he’s not a cheat. he doesn’t know what he was thinking.

“did you like it?” harry presses.

louis glares at him, “no. why? did you like yours?” his mind flashes to the blurry pictures of harry with someone else, posted all over twitter.

harry crosses his arms, defensive “of course not,”

“okay then,” louis nods, “then come over here and kiss me,”

and when harry kisses him, slow and familiar and as comforting as it was when they were young, louis thinks this is worth it.

later, he cries when harry falls asleep. he knows despite the fact that harry, the band, his career is worth what he chose, it doesn’t make it hurt any less to lose someone you love.

\--

zayn leaves. he’s taken louis’ rejection too much to heart that he doesn’t even say goodbye to harry and louis. he finds out later from liam that zayn had gone over to liam’s, then niall’s to bid his goodbyes. he doesn’t bother with one for louis. harry tells him it’s because zayn’s probably still upset, still stung from his one, unrequited love. _it’s understandable_ , harry explains, _i’d die too if you ever broke up with me_.

“you shouldn’t say things like that,” louis frowns.

harry shrugs, “it’s true. i love you too much,”

“that’s not a healthy thing to say,” louis says.

harry shrugs, “i know. i don’t care,”

so louis distracts himself by convincing harry to go to therapy. louis sees it; sees the way harry struggles some days to keep things separate in his mind, how he carries guilt and shame over the things he’s done to himself, to louis. eventually louis wears him down and harry agrees to it.

when that’s settled, louis focuses back to zayn and finds himself growing angry. he doesn’t deserve this. he doesn’t deserve being shut out because he made a choice. it wasn’t a fair choice but neither were the options given to him either. and then he hears, through rumours that zayn’s doing music again. and it makes louis even more angry.

zayn had said he wanted to leave because he wanted more meaning, more than tours and albums. he wanted to get lost, find himself once more and yet he’s back to the same surrounding that broke all of them in the first place. louis lashes out; his hurt, anger, sadness morphing into petty jabs at zayn. when zayn responds, louis thinks this is the only way through. anger is the only thing that will connect them now and it’s the saddest realization he’s ever made. a year ago zayn was louis’ person and now he’ll only talk to louis if it’s through snarky jabs on twitter. back then zayn loved him and now he resents louis for not choosing him, them. and louis’ choice has tainted for zayn much of all that the five of them have gone through together. the truth tortures him.

“you don’t get it, do you?” liam says when louis has a cry on his shoulder about this, “he came back because he didn’t want any of it if you weren’t there. you were his partner in crime, his best friend. he...he loved you. he made all those plans because he thought you would be there. he doesn’t want it anymore. he doesn’t want it because you’re not there to go through it with him,”

louis sits up, “so what? this is some plan to make me feel guilty about not,” louis swallows, throat tight, “leaving with him?”

liam sighs, “no. he’s…trying to move on, lou,”

“he was miserable. the last few months. he wanted out. i just don’t get why he’d stay,” louis insists.

liam nods, “i know. but that’s his choice, lou. maybe it means something different to him now. maybe he’s making music he likes and feels good singing about. if he wants to make music, then we just have to support him. it’s the least we can do now,” liam says firmly, “so cut it with all the twitter crap. it’s depressing being asked about it in interviews,”

louis laughs wetly, although the loss of zayn is still so tangible, so hurtful, “fine, payno. i’ll leave him alone,”

\--

louis invites zayn to x-factor. they haven’t spoken in over a year but louis does it because it doesn’t matter to him anymore. he doesn’t care that he broke zayn’s heart and didn’t feel sorry for it. louis is grieving and hurting more than he’s ever felt in his life. he just wants his goddamn best friend back, damn it. zayn has to come back. louis is tired of losing people.

zayn doesn’t show. louis waits a long time. he smokes almost an entire carton before steve goes on to the after party first. harry stays with him. they cry together, inexplicably sad with the tangent air of sadness and grief that surrounds them.

“maybe he’ll call,” harry tries.

louis stays quiet, wiping the tears from his face, “he should’ve been here,” he says quietly.

harry nods, “i know, baby. i’m sorry,”

louis opens his phone and stares at the message again, blueticked and unreplied.

“he’s a dick,” louis whispers, “he knew how much this meant to me. what kind of a person doesn’t- fuck,” louis can’t manage to feel angry, breaking down again in big sobs as harry holds him, crying silently alongside him.

“it’s okay, lou,” harry chokes out, “it’ll be okay,”

\--

after that, louis doesn’t try anymore. somewhere in his mind, he had thought sooner or later zayn and him will figure things out; their grudge will come to a natural end as time passes by. it doesn’t but at least louis is no longer angry. he has too many things to care about to hold anger in his chest anymore so he lets it go. he plays fifa now and doesn’t wish it was zayn beating him instead of oli. he reads comic books now and resists the urge to earmark the pages he thinks zayn would like. when he smokes the brand zayn likes, he doesn’t keep the cartons anymore. he moves on. for real. he listens to zayn’s new music, bops along to some of the catchy ones and he bares through _good years_. it still hurts him but not in a distinct, throbbing way anymore.

in many ways, losing his best friend has felt just as painful as other partings in his life. louis wears through it but the ache lingers at odd spaces inside him. sometimes liam waffles on about something the three of them did together over facetime and has to stop because louis’ smile is too strained. sometimes louis teaches harry to skate and despite the amount of vans he wears, harry can never manage the tricks zayn used to and it makes louis sad. sometimes he stumbles upon an old cartoon show zayn and him liked to watch when they were high and tears up a bit. it’s hard but it passes.

then one day louis opens up his phone and his mug tumbles to the ground when he reads the text: _congrats on the album -Z x_

\--

it doesn’t feel the same anymore. they both notice it. louis can’t joke the same way anymore and zayn doesn’t erupt in a fit of laughter every time louis says something. but it’s something, at least. it’s getting a few texts from zayn every few months, about a new video game out or some obscure band louis might like. one night, louis even manages to get zayn on facetime and they spend fucking hours just talking, going on tangents from one random conversation to the next. there are apologies slipped into conversations, here and there. zayn is sorry for the hurtful absences and louis is sorry for his forked words. it doesn’t heal much but louis realizes there isn’t much to heal from anyway. the both of them have grown up, matured in a way only loss and time will do to you that apologies don’t feel necessary anymore. what matters is that they’ve grown past their resentments and heartbreak. what matters is now.

they started as two teenagers aflame for the world to swallow them whole and now they’re prospective fathers and established musicians. now, zayn gets excited about starting a family. now, louis feels peaceful in finally figuring out what his purpose with music is. it’s been a long way to now.

when zayn finally becomes a father, louis gets a picture of zayn’s new daughter and a text: _hi uncle louis_ , and realizes that: his choice had always been worth it. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! do drop me a comment because it makes me happy!! but no pressure, i don't mean to guilt-trip ;p


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